It's Hard Not To...

It's hard.......it's really hard.  It's so hard that my heart begins to bleed at the idea of not trying. I feel that if I don't, everything will change.  Feelings will dull, memories will fade, my heart will move, and that which made me so rich will become cheapened by shiny things ahead.  As healthy as it may be in the minds of some; I can't help but feel from my heart, that I would be betraying myself if I didn't keep an eye ahead and an a eye behind. Some people can effect us in such profound ways, sometimes it can be necessary to move on without those special influences. But on rare occasion, despite how dramatically circumstances between you can change, something inside stops you from walking away. It's hard not to look back.

I turn to glance.......I see her silhouette against an empty wall, the shimmer in her enchanting eyes, the wave through her flowing hair, the glow in her subtle countenance. My breath leaves my chest all over again, as if it's my first time laying eyes. In that moment everything slips away from my focus and all I can see or feel, is her. How is it done? How can small features, moments, details have such profound implications in the way we feel? How does the sound of her voice bring an overwhelming sense of safety? How does the memory of her embrace still cause me the greatest sense of achievement? How is it when I look into a crowd and imagine her standing amidst hundreds of strangers, I still shiver with anxious excitement? The feelings caused by what the heart latches to, are so powerful that often they give us reasons to move. Sometimes it can be hard to remember why we work hard, why we try to be likable, why we strive to do good, why we chase after our dreams. But within our hearts lies the inevitable truth that applies to all who breath, love is our greatest motivation. These feelings I reflect upon, they are what fuel my movement, my aspirations, my breath.

Anthony Hopkins in the film "Meet Joe Black" plays the character Bill Parish. His character gives this perfectly worded advice to his daughter who is amidst much confusion on the subject of love.

"To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well ya haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, cause if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

If falling in love is one of the most essential parts of living, how can we move past it so quickly once it becomes complicated, confused, or lost? It's almost as if we should reach out as far as we can to hold on to the love that came our way and never forget the gift that it was. How can you cheapen the value of something that you held so precious for a time by moving past it the second your circumstances change? Sometimes you have to forget and move forward, but other times, it feels important to hold on to what we had, to look back and love what we were given.  Even if what you had will never come to be yours again, you can still love what you had. So as I reluctantly move forward, I can't help but follow my hearts desire, and keep one eye fixed on what was to continue my journey ahead. Sometimes it can be hard to look forward, but I feel, it's harder not to. So...How Do I Sound?

Breathing...

Sometimes, it can be really hard to breathe.  Stress begins to pent up in our chest, our mind becomes jammed up with confusion, and shoulders become heavy with burden.  Where does all of that come from? Is it forced upon us by others? Does it creep into our lives on it's own and infect us? No one does this to us, no one forces us to to lose control over aspects of our lives.  We do it to ourselves.  We allow ourselves to become distracted, distanced, overwhelmed; We forget to breathe.

Breathing is thee most basic natural principle of life. As you sleep, as you wake, as you live, you breathe.  We never stop breathing, but breathing out of habit is not the same as remembering to breathe. Breathing has been proven to relieve stress, calm ferocity, increase endorphins, stimulate the mind, and increase quality of living.  Most importantly, it can bring peace to one's soul.  As we take time to stop, and breathe, we allow our soul a solitary moment of peace.  We can clear our mind of our pains and allow ourselves to focus on our hearts.  The heart has a tendency to trip over our mind and become tangled together.  When we stop to breathe, we stop thinking about everything else, in with the good and out with the bad.  To take the time to stop and focus on something so simplistic as breathing, it gives us the opportunity to achieve clarity from our confusion.

There have been times in my life when I became so confused, so frustrated, that it became hard to breathe.  I was so mixed up that it was hard to perform the most basic operation of living.  I really had to focus and stop thinking about everything, but breathing.  And in those moments I achieved such perfect peace in my soul, not in my mind, but in my soul.  Everything between our body's and spirit's are tied together to create the soul.  To give peace to ones soul is to achieve clarity in our decisions, happiness in our lives, and comfort through our struggles.  I strive to breathe better, to breathe deeper, and to always remember that no matter how hard things become, no matter how dark the night gets, to just keep breathing.  So....How Do I Sound?

I'm Gonna Miss You...

Why is it that when we know that someone is leaving, we don't feel like it's going to be very hard, even if its a only a few days we think to ourselves, "No big deal, i'll be fine."  Then they actually leave and we find ourselves desiring to be with that person so much more than before, does distance really make the heart grow fonder?  It's funny, I might go a couple days not being able to see someone special to me cause I get busy and I'm fine, but as soon as they physically go somewhere, and now I can't see them, it becomes emotionally hard.  Why is that?  Is it the physical experience of that person leaving your little world for a time, or is it the mental state of mind that enters when that person leaves you.

I really don't know the answer to these questions, but I sure wish I did.  It also seems like when you miss someone, you go through waves of intensity.  One moment your calm and at peace, the next moment your feeling this intense want to be with the person who your missing.  I look at this as a very special opportunity, cause as soon as you experience this, your heart temporarily changes.  Your heart begins to become more fond of that which is missing from your day, and you start to better appreciate the qualities and presence of that good in your life.  Now the key to this little gift is cherishing it after it all ends.  It seems when we get something back that we have lost, we get all excited and say "I'm gonna love you like crazy, and never lose you again!".  But once things calm back down, and your world is brought back into balance, we begin to dull these sensations.  We start to forget what is truly important and begin to neglect, ignore, and lose appreciation for that which is so important to us.  So this really is a gift!  We have the opportunity when we lose someone to better appreciate them, and when we get them back, we need to pull them in and hold on as tight as we can.  And never forget what we felt when they took a vacation from our lives, and do all we can to make them feel wanted, appreciated, and loved.  Because if they make us feel like something is missing when they leave, we need to show them how important they are to us when we get them back.

So I may not know the answer to this question, but I sure feel in my heart as though distance truly does make the heart grow fonder.  I also feel that it is a waste of a great gift if we do not allow that distance, to change our hearts, and love deeper.  So when thinking of my opportunities in temporary loss of a special person, I love it! Because it does not happen everyday, I want to take that opportunity and experience it, feel it, and love it!  And hopefully I won't forget to let it change me, cause otherwise that pain and longing for someone, it's a complete waste.  So distance can make the heart grow fonder, as long as you allow it to.  So.... How Do I Sound?

Is It Worth Fighting For....

I should be asleep right now, but.....I can't.  I've got this one thought on my mind, one thought that plagues my body to the point where it is all I can think about.  Is it worth fighting for?  Tonight I had something happen, something I felt very strongly about was threatened by unseen circumstances.  Now the reason I am wrestling with the issue, is because it has the possibility of ending good or bad.  I don't know what is the best way to tackle it, how to strategically place my self, what the best move is, or if I should just stand still.

So tonight when faced with the obstacle, I came home for a very quick moment.  In those brief seconds I got down on my knees and whispered a very sincere prayer to the Lord, "Father, please help me to know thy will, what would thou have me do."  I then felt the confirmation of the Spirit, that I was to move forward with my actions, and not back down.  I felt inside as though, I needed to fight for that which I desired.  So I did, I can't see the end to my battle yet, but I will keep pushing ahead until it comes to its finish.

Why is it that almost always something stands in front of us and threatens that which we hold closest to our hearts.  Is it a test of our strength? Our patience?  Our love?  Or maybe it's always different.  I feel like sometimes when we are faced with this choice, we need not to fight, but to step back and calmly wait.  Then of course other times, where in order to earn the right to what we already have, we must fight, almost to prove ourselves.  I always tend to lean towards taking up arms and running into battle, but truly sometimes we need to walk away.  Luckily for me right now, I know that swinging my blade and loosing my arrows are the right actions to take.  So tomorrow I will armor up, sharpen my blade, tighten my bow, and firmly run into the battle field.  I will be ready to take a stand and fight for that which I want, and if I fall, then I fall.  But at least I went down fighting, to many times do people lay down and watch as something is taken from them.  But as  Ecclesiastes assures us, There is a time to fight.  So to answer my question of the soul tonight, yes. Today, it is worth fighting for.  Why?  Because what I want is not worth letting go of,  if someone else wants it, their going to have to force me down and take it from me.  Today, it is worth fighting for.  So....How Do I Sound?

Blindfolded...

As I look back on past experience I am adequately surprised how blind I can be.  It seems sometimes we fall in love with someone, and then we immediately slip a blindfold on and press forward.  This way as we encounter issues, problems, shortcomings, irritations, we can just ignore them, shrug them off and say "It's ok, I'm in love, so i'll just let it go."  That's a big issue, how can you love without seeing who the person you love, truly is.  One day we wake up and the blindfold is missing, and we find ourselves surprised at what we see next to us.  Were surprised because who we loved is a lie, a lie we told ourselves to protect our hearts from pain or rejection.  Therefore we end up living beneath our privileges,  we do far less than our absolute best.  We all deserve to achieve our own personal best everyday, why short change yourself?  It doesn't make sense, not in the moment, not ever.  It's wrong, and wrong is wrong, no matter how you look at it.

The worst part of this, is sometimes when we blindfold ourselves we can hurt others who we encounter on our path.  Because we have dedicated ourselves to move in one direction blindly, it becomes easy to let other people fall by the wayside and become hurt by our lack of care or attention.  Our ignorance becomes a bulldozer with tunnel vision, as others come into our path they get knocked aside leaving them bruised.   In the movie "Meet Joe Black" Anthony Hopkins character Bill Parrish speaks to his daughter on the principles of love and what it should feel and look like.  He says, "Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. I say fall head over heels, find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head and you listen to your heart and I'm not hearing any heart. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. But You have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived... Stay open, who knows? Lightning could strike." (Anthony Hopkins, Meet Joe Black, 1998)

I specifically want to apply the very last part of this quote to my thoughts, "Stay open, who knows? Lightning could strike."  When we put the blindfold of love on, we lose the ability to stay open, and if lightning does strike, how are we going to see it?  We won't, and we will miss the chance at finding true bliss, rather than the lie we tell ourselves in order to feel loved.  Love is passion, it is obsession, if those feelings only go one way, why lie to ourselves and deny the opportunity to experience what love is all about.  When you wake up and the first thing you think about is the person you love, you should hope that person is thinking about you too.  Love shouldn't be about one person loving the other, it should be two people who want to do all they can to make the other happy.  Blindfolds make it easy to ignore the lack of love we are receiving, but once we take off the blindfold and see what we actually have, we will desire more.  Then one day, lighting will strike, and it heals the wounds and scars left behind by the blindfolds cloak of ignorance.  Our senses have direct access to our hearts, let's not deny them their privileges, and wait for someone worth, not wearing a blindfold for.  So....How Do I Sound? 

Get Angry...

A short time ago, I had a very liberating experience.  I underwent a harrowing trial, something that as it happened I felt as though I could not catch my breath.  I kept trying to take a deep breath, but could never achieve the satisfaction of breathing deeply.  I would sit and be idle for just a moment, the next thing I knew I couldn't breath, think, move, function.  It was so heavy and thick that I could not figure out what to do, or how to get through it.  I literally had never felt grief of that magnitude before.  As I sat on the couch losing touch with reality, I whispered a prayer.  "Father, please, help me."  I heard a voice in my mind, "Get Angry." I thought to myself, "What?" It came again, "Get Angry." So I said, "Ok."  I started to take my depression, frustration, and sorrow, and turned it to anger.  I thought about everything that made me irritated or frustrated over the last month, things that dug under my skin, but I never did or said anything about.  I thought about people who had upset me, places where I felt I fell short in life, desires I was never able to achieve, and the deep loneliness that plagued me inside.

I went to my room, changed into my gym clothes, and then......I ran.  I ran, and I ran, and I ran.  I ran until I could no longer run.  With each step forcing out the sorrow from my soul.  Turning pain into anger, and anger into fuel, fuel that motivated me to push harder than I have ever pushed before.  My feeling of inadiquicy became a fire within to become the best, the best at everything I pursue, the best me I could be.  I wanted to achieve every possible peak of talent and prospect that I have been endowed with in this life.  As I ran my legs would begin to ache, my heart would pound, my bones throbbed, and stomach cramped.  It didn't matter, I was in so much emotional torment that I welcomed the physical pain, which for a short time took my mind off of what really hurt, my heart.

When I could no longer run, I went into the gym.  I began to lift, and I lifted, and I lifted.  I lifted until I could not lift anymore.  By the time I was done I felt as though my arms would fall off.  But as I lifted, with each lift my desire to lift grew more and more.  Knowing that I was angry, it felt incredible to drive myself and push.  I could imagine those who fueled my anger and with each push, it was like pressing the accelorator of a sports car.  That exhilarating feeling you get as you feel the g-force push you back in your seat and the growl of the engine as it revs up.  I felt powerful, it was as though there was nothing I could not do anymore.  It was like I was empowering myself to become more than I ever thought I actually could be.

I have done this almost everyday up to today, I have changed myself.  I feel different, I get out of bed and smile because of what I have been able to do.  I proved myself wrong, I know now that I am capable of anything.  When others choose to toss me aside, or push me down, I know that not only can I get back up, but I can rise above them and become something more.  There is triumph in our tragedy, joy in our sorrow, love in our anger, and we can find light in the darkest of places.  I love the principle of change, even when change hurts, it can inspire incredible good.  So, How Do I Sound?

When It Rains....

                 There's two types of rain in life, rain that makes you feel more alive and rain that just pours so hard it forces you to collapse.  Personally, I love rain.  The sound it makes as it lands on the roof, the smell as it first starts to hit concrete, the dark shades it brings to the cloudy sky's above, and the feeling of excitement that builds in your chest and causes you to exclaim, "It's Raining!"  I remember being kid on a rainy day, no matter what was going on, nothing else mattered simply cause it was raining.  I miss that, sometimes I will be sitting in school or work when it's raining and I think to myself, "Why on earth are we inside during weather like this, we should be excused."  If only life worked like that.  Whenever something good came our way, we would be given time to observe the richness of that personal joy.  But since life is not like that, we have to enjoy the very brief moments and brushes we have with those events that bring us pure happiness.

                There were times however, when the rain would fall so hard it was scary. Sometimes the rain can come so quick and heavy, that the storm can become terrifying very quickly.  The water can gather so quickly that the parking lots flood in a matter of seconds and as thunder strikes, it shakes everything around you.  Sometimes we want rain to come so badly that we don't anticipate the rain to be more than we can handle.  Sometimes, the rain is the exact opposite of what we had hoped for.  We end up having to find joy by trial, which is definitely worth while, but is not at all enjoyable or easy going through.  Whenever the rain became too hard, I would always just have to go to my bed, curl up in my blanket and wait it through.  The entire time trusting that the rain would let up, and things would be better eventually.

                 So rain, I love sitting through the rain, walking in the rain, dancing in the rain, kissing in the rain, looking at the rain, smelling the rain, and feeling the feelings that rain brings.  And as much as I can be terrified by a torrential rain storm, I welcome the harsh rain.  I look at the fear and pain that can come from a hard rain, and all you can do is love it.  Because that fear and pain is only temporary, take it, feel it, learn from it, grow from it, and love it.  Who knows what will happen when it rains, just welcome it. So.....How Do I Sound?