I'm Gonna Miss You...

Why is it that when we know that someone is leaving, we don't feel like it's going to be very hard, even if its a only a few days we think to ourselves, "No big deal, i'll be fine."  Then they actually leave and we find ourselves desiring to be with that person so much more than before, does distance really make the heart grow fonder?  It's funny, I might go a couple days not being able to see someone special to me cause I get busy and I'm fine, but as soon as they physically go somewhere, and now I can't see them, it becomes emotionally hard.  Why is that?  Is it the physical experience of that person leaving your little world for a time, or is it the mental state of mind that enters when that person leaves you.

I really don't know the answer to these questions, but I sure wish I did.  It also seems like when you miss someone, you go through waves of intensity.  One moment your calm and at peace, the next moment your feeling this intense want to be with the person who your missing.  I look at this as a very special opportunity, cause as soon as you experience this, your heart temporarily changes.  Your heart begins to become more fond of that which is missing from your day, and you start to better appreciate the qualities and presence of that good in your life.  Now the key to this little gift is cherishing it after it all ends.  It seems when we get something back that we have lost, we get all excited and say "I'm gonna love you like crazy, and never lose you again!".  But once things calm back down, and your world is brought back into balance, we begin to dull these sensations.  We start to forget what is truly important and begin to neglect, ignore, and lose appreciation for that which is so important to us.  So this really is a gift!  We have the opportunity when we lose someone to better appreciate them, and when we get them back, we need to pull them in and hold on as tight as we can.  And never forget what we felt when they took a vacation from our lives, and do all we can to make them feel wanted, appreciated, and loved.  Because if they make us feel like something is missing when they leave, we need to show them how important they are to us when we get them back.

So I may not know the answer to this question, but I sure feel in my heart as though distance truly does make the heart grow fonder.  I also feel that it is a waste of a great gift if we do not allow that distance, to change our hearts, and love deeper.  So when thinking of my opportunities in temporary loss of a special person, I love it! Because it does not happen everyday, I want to take that opportunity and experience it, feel it, and love it!  And hopefully I won't forget to let it change me, cause otherwise that pain and longing for someone, it's a complete waste.  So distance can make the heart grow fonder, as long as you allow it to.  So.... How Do I Sound?

Is It Worth Fighting For....

I should be asleep right now, but.....I can't.  I've got this one thought on my mind, one thought that plagues my body to the point where it is all I can think about.  Is it worth fighting for?  Tonight I had something happen, something I felt very strongly about was threatened by unseen circumstances.  Now the reason I am wrestling with the issue, is because it has the possibility of ending good or bad.  I don't know what is the best way to tackle it, how to strategically place my self, what the best move is, or if I should just stand still.

So tonight when faced with the obstacle, I came home for a very quick moment.  In those brief seconds I got down on my knees and whispered a very sincere prayer to the Lord, "Father, please help me to know thy will, what would thou have me do."  I then felt the confirmation of the Spirit, that I was to move forward with my actions, and not back down.  I felt inside as though, I needed to fight for that which I desired.  So I did, I can't see the end to my battle yet, but I will keep pushing ahead until it comes to its finish.

Why is it that almost always something stands in front of us and threatens that which we hold closest to our hearts.  Is it a test of our strength? Our patience?  Our love?  Or maybe it's always different.  I feel like sometimes when we are faced with this choice, we need not to fight, but to step back and calmly wait.  Then of course other times, where in order to earn the right to what we already have, we must fight, almost to prove ourselves.  I always tend to lean towards taking up arms and running into battle, but truly sometimes we need to walk away.  Luckily for me right now, I know that swinging my blade and loosing my arrows are the right actions to take.  So tomorrow I will armor up, sharpen my blade, tighten my bow, and firmly run into the battle field.  I will be ready to take a stand and fight for that which I want, and if I fall, then I fall.  But at least I went down fighting, to many times do people lay down and watch as something is taken from them.  But as  Ecclesiastes assures us, There is a time to fight.  So to answer my question of the soul tonight, yes. Today, it is worth fighting for.  Why?  Because what I want is not worth letting go of,  if someone else wants it, their going to have to force me down and take it from me.  Today, it is worth fighting for.  So....How Do I Sound?

Blindfolded...

As I look back on past experience I am adequately surprised how blind I can be.  It seems sometimes we fall in love with someone, and then we immediately slip a blindfold on and press forward.  This way as we encounter issues, problems, shortcomings, irritations, we can just ignore them, shrug them off and say "It's ok, I'm in love, so i'll just let it go."  That's a big issue, how can you love without seeing who the person you love, truly is.  One day we wake up and the blindfold is missing, and we find ourselves surprised at what we see next to us.  Were surprised because who we loved is a lie, a lie we told ourselves to protect our hearts from pain or rejection.  Therefore we end up living beneath our privileges,  we do far less than our absolute best.  We all deserve to achieve our own personal best everyday, why short change yourself?  It doesn't make sense, not in the moment, not ever.  It's wrong, and wrong is wrong, no matter how you look at it.

The worst part of this, is sometimes when we blindfold ourselves we can hurt others who we encounter on our path.  Because we have dedicated ourselves to move in one direction blindly, it becomes easy to let other people fall by the wayside and become hurt by our lack of care or attention.  Our ignorance becomes a bulldozer with tunnel vision, as others come into our path they get knocked aside leaving them bruised.   In the movie "Meet Joe Black" Anthony Hopkins character Bill Parrish speaks to his daughter on the principles of love and what it should feel and look like.  He says, "Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. I say fall head over heels, find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head and you listen to your heart and I'm not hearing any heart. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. But You have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived... Stay open, who knows? Lightning could strike." (Anthony Hopkins, Meet Joe Black, 1998)

I specifically want to apply the very last part of this quote to my thoughts, "Stay open, who knows? Lightning could strike."  When we put the blindfold of love on, we lose the ability to stay open, and if lightning does strike, how are we going to see it?  We won't, and we will miss the chance at finding true bliss, rather than the lie we tell ourselves in order to feel loved.  Love is passion, it is obsession, if those feelings only go one way, why lie to ourselves and deny the opportunity to experience what love is all about.  When you wake up and the first thing you think about is the person you love, you should hope that person is thinking about you too.  Love shouldn't be about one person loving the other, it should be two people who want to do all they can to make the other happy.  Blindfolds make it easy to ignore the lack of love we are receiving, but once we take off the blindfold and see what we actually have, we will desire more.  Then one day, lighting will strike, and it heals the wounds and scars left behind by the blindfolds cloak of ignorance.  Our senses have direct access to our hearts, let's not deny them their privileges, and wait for someone worth, not wearing a blindfold for.  So....How Do I Sound? 

Get Angry...

A short time ago, I had a very liberating experience.  I underwent a harrowing trial, something that as it happened I felt as though I could not catch my breath.  I kept trying to take a deep breath, but could never achieve the satisfaction of breathing deeply.  I would sit and be idle for just a moment, the next thing I knew I couldn't breath, think, move, function.  It was so heavy and thick that I could not figure out what to do, or how to get through it.  I literally had never felt grief of that magnitude before.  As I sat on the couch losing touch with reality, I whispered a prayer.  "Father, please, help me."  I heard a voice in my mind, "Get Angry." I thought to myself, "What?" It came again, "Get Angry." So I said, "Ok."  I started to take my depression, frustration, and sorrow, and turned it to anger.  I thought about everything that made me irritated or frustrated over the last month, things that dug under my skin, but I never did or said anything about.  I thought about people who had upset me, places where I felt I fell short in life, desires I was never able to achieve, and the deep loneliness that plagued me inside.

I went to my room, changed into my gym clothes, and then......I ran.  I ran, and I ran, and I ran.  I ran until I could no longer run.  With each step forcing out the sorrow from my soul.  Turning pain into anger, and anger into fuel, fuel that motivated me to push harder than I have ever pushed before.  My feeling of inadiquicy became a fire within to become the best, the best at everything I pursue, the best me I could be.  I wanted to achieve every possible peak of talent and prospect that I have been endowed with in this life.  As I ran my legs would begin to ache, my heart would pound, my bones throbbed, and stomach cramped.  It didn't matter, I was in so much emotional torment that I welcomed the physical pain, which for a short time took my mind off of what really hurt, my heart.

When I could no longer run, I went into the gym.  I began to lift, and I lifted, and I lifted.  I lifted until I could not lift anymore.  By the time I was done I felt as though my arms would fall off.  But as I lifted, with each lift my desire to lift grew more and more.  Knowing that I was angry, it felt incredible to drive myself and push.  I could imagine those who fueled my anger and with each push, it was like pressing the accelorator of a sports car.  That exhilarating feeling you get as you feel the g-force push you back in your seat and the growl of the engine as it revs up.  I felt powerful, it was as though there was nothing I could not do anymore.  It was like I was empowering myself to become more than I ever thought I actually could be.

I have done this almost everyday up to today, I have changed myself.  I feel different, I get out of bed and smile because of what I have been able to do.  I proved myself wrong, I know now that I am capable of anything.  When others choose to toss me aside, or push me down, I know that not only can I get back up, but I can rise above them and become something more.  There is triumph in our tragedy, joy in our sorrow, love in our anger, and we can find light in the darkest of places.  I love the principle of change, even when change hurts, it can inspire incredible good.  So, How Do I Sound?

When It Rains....

                 There's two types of rain in life, rain that makes you feel more alive and rain that just pours so hard it forces you to collapse.  Personally, I love rain.  The sound it makes as it lands on the roof, the smell as it first starts to hit concrete, the dark shades it brings to the cloudy sky's above, and the feeling of excitement that builds in your chest and causes you to exclaim, "It's Raining!"  I remember being kid on a rainy day, no matter what was going on, nothing else mattered simply cause it was raining.  I miss that, sometimes I will be sitting in school or work when it's raining and I think to myself, "Why on earth are we inside during weather like this, we should be excused."  If only life worked like that.  Whenever something good came our way, we would be given time to observe the richness of that personal joy.  But since life is not like that, we have to enjoy the very brief moments and brushes we have with those events that bring us pure happiness.

                There were times however, when the rain would fall so hard it was scary. Sometimes the rain can come so quick and heavy, that the storm can become terrifying very quickly.  The water can gather so quickly that the parking lots flood in a matter of seconds and as thunder strikes, it shakes everything around you.  Sometimes we want rain to come so badly that we don't anticipate the rain to be more than we can handle.  Sometimes, the rain is the exact opposite of what we had hoped for.  We end up having to find joy by trial, which is definitely worth while, but is not at all enjoyable or easy going through.  Whenever the rain became too hard, I would always just have to go to my bed, curl up in my blanket and wait it through.  The entire time trusting that the rain would let up, and things would be better eventually.

                 So rain, I love sitting through the rain, walking in the rain, dancing in the rain, kissing in the rain, looking at the rain, smelling the rain, and feeling the feelings that rain brings.  And as much as I can be terrified by a torrential rain storm, I welcome the harsh rain.  I look at the fear and pain that can come from a hard rain, and all you can do is love it.  Because that fear and pain is only temporary, take it, feel it, learn from it, grow from it, and love it.  Who knows what will happen when it rains, just welcome it. So.....How Do I Sound?

Broken

Broken

A pale light flickers and in my sight surrenders.  I look back upon smiles and the number I should dial.  Within the receiver I could believe that I hear her, and in my minds eye I could try to summon the words I need to make things right.  A second chance to burn our light, to keep myself from fading.

The questions inside of me are solved by your answers and I feel so incomplete without all your laughter.  Just give me the strength to be your favorite liar.  Do we need time?  Was I asking too much?  Lift up my eyes and I could keep on breathing, but without your light, I'll be broken.

In silence and in static, have patience don't panic.  I'm your satellite, if you're the cure to these troubled nights I endure. Send a sign, I'm listening for a reply from the days I've been missing.  Please don't be late, I couldn't escape the snare and every sting of yesterday.  Was it nothing more than a memory or just a sweet beginning?  

The questions inside of me are solved by your answers and I feel so incomplete without all your laughter.  Just give me the strength to be your favorite liar.  Do we need time?  Was I asking too much?  Lift up my eyes and I could keep on breathing, but without your light, I'll be broken.

So I'll peel my eyes for every shining star, as I try to recognize the person you are.  Watching.  Waiting.  Thinking.  Sinking.  Don't stand and wave goodbye or I'll be broken.

So, How Do I Sound?

Silence

“He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words.”                                                                 -Elbert Hubbard



          I often have trouble with silence, whether it's I who have to be silent, or just being surrounded by it.  I always feel somewhat unsettled by the lack of sound. Right now, silence seems to be the hardest word to hold.  It's strange, something in my life goes wrong and what do I do?  I tend to turn to silence for help.  The one thing that I can never seem to get a grip on.  To be completely honest, the silence makes me extremely uneasy.  I am an expressive person, I love being able to show who I really am through my voice and my actions.  But at times, I feel handcuffed from doing either of these natural impulses.  Not by force, but by choice.  Extremely hesitant choice.  I don't want to make the wrong move, or say the wrong thing.  I don't want to ruin what's still there, and yet find out what actually is not.  As wonderful as truth is, it can be as sharp as a knife sometimes; and when your already in exhausting pain, you really don't feel like testing the waters any further.  

“Seeing her sitting there unresponsive makes me realize that silence has a sound.” 

― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

             So I guess my motivator to remain silent is fear.  Fear of not being enough, or not being able to measure up in my own mind more so than the minds of others.  There is a great deal of power in fear, but what really matters I'm finding out, is how you use your fear.  So my fear can be the motivator behind my irritating silence.  I'm not sure how long my silence will take to straighten out things in my minds view when things go wrong, but I know silence really does speak louder than anything I can say.  Sometimes, you just have to be quiet in voice and in action; and hope as hard as you can, that the day will come when you can break your silence.  So, how do I sound?