Get Angry...

A short time ago, I had a very liberating experience.  I underwent a harrowing trial, something that as it happened I felt as though I could not catch my breath.  I kept trying to take a deep breath, but could never achieve the satisfaction of breathing deeply.  I would sit and be idle for just a moment, the next thing I knew I couldn't breath, think, move, function.  It was so heavy and thick that I could not figure out what to do, or how to get through it.  I literally had never felt grief of that magnitude before.  As I sat on the couch losing touch with reality, I whispered a prayer.  "Father, please, help me."  I heard a voice in my mind, "Get Angry." I thought to myself, "What?" It came again, "Get Angry." So I said, "Ok."  I started to take my depression, frustration, and sorrow, and turned it to anger.  I thought about everything that made me irritated or frustrated over the last month, things that dug under my skin, but I never did or said anything about.  I thought about people who had upset me, places where I felt I fell short in life, desires I was never able to achieve, and the deep loneliness that plagued me inside.

I went to my room, changed into my gym clothes, and then......I ran.  I ran, and I ran, and I ran.  I ran until I could no longer run.  With each step forcing out the sorrow from my soul.  Turning pain into anger, and anger into fuel, fuel that motivated me to push harder than I have ever pushed before.  My feeling of inadiquicy became a fire within to become the best, the best at everything I pursue, the best me I could be.  I wanted to achieve every possible peak of talent and prospect that I have been endowed with in this life.  As I ran my legs would begin to ache, my heart would pound, my bones throbbed, and stomach cramped.  It didn't matter, I was in so much emotional torment that I welcomed the physical pain, which for a short time took my mind off of what really hurt, my heart.

When I could no longer run, I went into the gym.  I began to lift, and I lifted, and I lifted.  I lifted until I could not lift anymore.  By the time I was done I felt as though my arms would fall off.  But as I lifted, with each lift my desire to lift grew more and more.  Knowing that I was angry, it felt incredible to drive myself and push.  I could imagine those who fueled my anger and with each push, it was like pressing the accelorator of a sports car.  That exhilarating feeling you get as you feel the g-force push you back in your seat and the growl of the engine as it revs up.  I felt powerful, it was as though there was nothing I could not do anymore.  It was like I was empowering myself to become more than I ever thought I actually could be.

I have done this almost everyday up to today, I have changed myself.  I feel different, I get out of bed and smile because of what I have been able to do.  I proved myself wrong, I know now that I am capable of anything.  When others choose to toss me aside, or push me down, I know that not only can I get back up, but I can rise above them and become something more.  There is triumph in our tragedy, joy in our sorrow, love in our anger, and we can find light in the darkest of places.  I love the principle of change, even when change hurts, it can inspire incredible good.  So, How Do I Sound?